Hello sweet friend and welcome. If you have found your way here I can only imagine what is going on in your life. I want you to know that I too, am a NICU mama. Before I share a little of my story, can you do two things for me? First, go get yourself a drink and a snack. I bet you haven’t taken care of yourself well today. Second, lift your shoulders to your ears and let them drop, then roll your neck around to relieve some tension and just breathe.

A bit of my story…

I won’t go into depth because you are dealing with your own situation. Our third boy was born at 32 weeks. I had been having preterm contractions starting at week 20 and we could not get them stopped. It had been a very difficult pregnancy from the beginning. The most frustrating thing was that every time I went to L&D they gave me IV fluids ran tests to determine how likely I was to go into active labor in the next 14 days and send me home. Each time, the contractions hadn’t stopped and they assured me that baby wasn’t coming for at least 14 days. The most memorable one was a few days before we were sent down to Denver, CO. I woke up in the night contracting and was unable to go back to sleep. Off we went to L&D again. Again they ran labs and told me that, “ I can be certain that baby wasn’t coming for at least 2 weeks.” Well… lo and behold, he came 5 days later. I saw that just to remind you, you know your body best. We were sent to Denver because our small town was concerned I was going to have a uterine rupture with all of the contractions and my previous c sections. There was concern that our hospital wasn’t equipped for that emergency situation and that they didn’t have enough blood on hand if I needed a transfusion. Oh, rural living. So off we went to stay in Denver until our boy’s arrival. God sure took care of us because 3 days after we arrived in Denver and got situated at Ronald McDonald House he arrived. We spent 29 days in the NICU. I know that is so much less than many people.

During those 29 days we were apart from our two older sons, recovering from birth, and my husband came down with a nasty upper respiratory infection. By the grace of Jesus, I didn’t catch it. I can’t imagine that on a c section.

Anxiety was rough during those days. I alternated between feeling completely numb and overwhelmed. Birth was hard. My body was exhausted from 13 weeks of prodromal labor and having to advocate hard for myself during those times that doctors wanted to go a route I wasn’t willing to go. My husband was the best support. But it was a lot. Not to mention while we were there the government shut down. My husband is a federal employee, so that added all sorts of pressure.

I say all that just to share that I get it. The NICU journey is a roller coaster. It could definitely increase anxiety in anyone. During the time we were in the NICU it often just felt surreal. We’d come back from a day with our baby and just zone out to Duck Dynasty or The Grand Tour. We’d lay in bed showing each other funny videos until we fell asleep. I think we did this to avoid dealing with the difficulties of the NICU.

Here are some of the lies Satan whispered in my ear.

The Lie: You’re a bad mom.
Ugh. There is a reason this one jumped to mind so quickly. I think every mama gets hit with this one, but when your little is in the NICU it hits different. What did I do wrong that my body failed him? All the “ woulda, coulda, shouldas” came crashing in because my body couldn’t carry my babe to term.

The Truth: Psalms 139:16 says, “Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” (NIV). This verse counts twofold. One because God knew that I would go into labor too soon, He was not pacing the floor of Heaven wondering what to do. (My pastor said this today in church and I had to steal the phrase, it is too perfect!) He was there with me and had a plan in it. The second is God knew baby would come early. He knew baby’s first day on the outside would be “premature” and attached to all the monitors. Again it did not surprise Him and that thought brought me great peace.

The Lie: Baby will never overcome this. Listening to the monitors beep, the nurses come in when alarms would sound. The, “oh his oxygen is dropping again” fueled my fear that we would never get to come home.

The Lie: You will never overcome this. I put these two together because they are so similar. I feared that I wouldn’t be strong enough to get through all of the difficulties.

The Truth: “I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭12‬-‭13‬ ‭(ESV).
“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.””John‬ ‭16‬:‭33‬ ‭(ESV‬‬) Jesus has overcome the world. Ahhh… what a beautiful reminder. Babies are resilient. But even if they weren’t God had already overcome everything. My baby and I could overcome this struggle through the power of Christ.

The Lie: You aren’t equipped to take care of him at home. We came home on oxygen. One of the joys of mountain living. I was so terrified he would get wrapped up in the tubing while we slept and since he wasn’t attached to all the monitors, we wouldn’t know. I was scared his heart rate would drop and again, since we weren’t on any monitors, we’d never know. Every sound, every cough, and I was on high alert.

The Truth: “Now may the God of peace who brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, the great shepherd of the sheep, by the blood of the eternal covenant, equip you with everything good that you may do his will, working in us that which is pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen. Hebrews‬ ‭13‬:‭20‬-‭21‬ ‭ESV‬‬
Being equipped to do His will doesn’t have to be some “holy” activity like being in the mission field (it can!) but I believe God calls us to do His will in the average, everyday, ordinary activities. I believe Jesus was equipping me and my husband to take care of our little guy. It had hard moments, but God walking us through.

The Lie: Nobody cares about me or the situation any more. I come from a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” kind of family. Asking for help during this NICU stay was hard. I felt like I was bothering people posting about it on Facebook or sending it down the prayer chain. I just didn’t want to be a bother. At the same time, it was hard to watch other people’s lives carry on as if our world wasn’t living in a tiny blue box attached to monitors.

The Truth: “It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.””
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31‬:‭8 (ESV). Yes, other people’s lives kept moving forward and that stung. But you know what? God was with us. He was with us in the trenches and the late night pumping sessions. He was with us in the frustration and the joy. And even when it felt like people had moved on, I know that they were praying. There were too many miracles to say anything else.

If you are walking through this season, sweet mama. I get it. It is hard. I’m praying for you. You can have victory through Jesus. A friend of mine has said, “I’d rather go through the valley with Jesus than anything without Him.” He will sustain you.

“He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”
‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭40‬:‭29‬-‭31‬ (‭ESV‬‬)